Scots Need Clarity Over Nessie

An independent Scotland would not be able to keep the Loch Ness Monster after asset negotiations, a Westminster parliamentary committee has concluded.

Last month nationalists claimed that an independent Scotland would retain the Monster, but a report published today by the Committee on Separation for Mythical Beings found that “the water would be too cold” and “there wouldn’t be enough fish to sustain life.”

The leader of the Committee, Labour MP Edward Brown, said that nationalist claims were “pie in the sky”.

“First they want to keep the pound. Then they want to keep the monarchy. Now they want to keep the Loch Ness Monster. It just doesn’t add up,” he said.

Arrangements have been made by the Mayor of London to keep the Loch Ness Monster behind the Thames Barrier from 2014.

The creature is to be escorted by armed flotilla from the Moray Firth down the east coast to London where it will be given its new official title “Big Boris”.

An independent Scotland which choses to scrap trident would owe the rest of the UK something to compensate for defence, the parliamentary Committee has found.

“Big Boris stationed in the Thames would go some way to protect London from attacks, especially from the Spanish Armada,” said Henry Cludd, Conservative MP for North Southeastington.

Campaigns on both side of the border have been launched to support or oppose the proposals.

A new moderate group calling itself ‘Nessie Max’ has called for “compromise” so that a deal can be struck between the two sides.

“Ownership of Big Boris could be reserved to Westminster whilst it remains in Loch Ness on loan to the Scottish Government,” said Wendy Harris, leader of the Nessie Max group.

The Nessie Max group proposes a £2bn annual fee to keep the Monster in Scottish waters. But pro-relocation campaigners say keeping it in an independent Scotland could be “potentially catastrophic”.

Liberal Democrat MP Charlie Ross warned of “dire consequences” and said the Loch Ness Monster would “turn hostile” in an independent Scotland, “causing a nuisance” and “splashing innocent bathers”.

“It’s no coincidence that the nationalists have announced plans to keep the Loch Ness Monster only months after accepting giant pandas into Edinburgh Zoo. They are planning to turn Scotland into a big safari park and sell it to China,” warned Mr Ross.

A survey conducted on behalf of the Committee on Separation for Mythical Beings has found a clear majority in favour of surrendering the Loch Ness Monster to Westminster in asset negotiations.

75 per cent of the four people who responded to the survey said they supported the move.

Commenting on the results, leader of the Committee Edward Brown said: “This is damning evidence that the British public do not want to be separated from their favourite sea-creature when the separatists separate Scotland.

“If Britain started giving assets and stolen property back to their individual countries of origin the British Museum would soon be empty. The legacy of Empire would be lost forever and we would have to surrender our self-image of being the centre of all human civilisation. We just can’t let that happen.”

Andrew Barr
National Collective