Nae Chance Nigel! Edinburgh’s Lament

Big Nige from UKIP came to Edinburgh last week to launch a campaign for a by-election happening in Aberdeen. Well, it’s close enough, isnt it? Maybe it’s something to do with UKIP having branches all over England and just one for the whole of Scotland. That’ll do, won’t it?

But for future reference, in case he needs a hand, here’s my wee guide:

See, those Glaswegians might think us Edinburgh folk are a soft touch. But a man who’s so much of a Tory that he’s no longer a Tory coming to abolish our parliament and finger-wag at our minorities was clearly too much for the locals.

Below is a song by musician Steve Byrne, who runs a singing club at Edinburgh’s Canons’ Gait pub. It’s called  ‘Lament on the predicament of the Member of the European Parliament for South East England’.


As I went oot last Thursday tae ging fir a jar,
Ah walked doon the Mile tae the Canon’s Gait bar;
But fit aa that I tried I jist couldna get in –
There wis some how-d’ye-do on the haill efternin!

Wi a toot-a-lye, oor-a-lye, oot-a-lye ay!

Noo o aa this commotion I couldna mak sense,
Till some lad cried oot, “it’s a press conference,
O some chiel caad Nigel, come up fae the sooth,
And a big pile o haivers jist cam oot o his mooth!”

Noo it turnt oot the Polis had phoned up the bar,
And said, “Nigel is comin, he fancies a jar”
They ran roond wi a hoover and gied it a dicht,
But they werna tae ken whit wid follae that nicht.

Noo Nigel cam in wi his big stripey tie,
He ordered a pint wi a glint in his eye,
He posed fir a photie, he didna look glum,
Till oot in the street, the crowd it cried “scum!”

So the barkeeper thocht, “Oh jings, here we go!”
He said tae auld Nigel, “that’s the end o the show”,
But he couldna get oot and he coudlna bide in!
Whit could Nigel dae, there wis nae place tae rin!

So he stuck oot his hand and he tried fir a cab.
The driver took one look and then he took aff!
He said “Nae chance Nigel, I’ll no tak yer fare,
I’ve heard aa the pish that ye spout on the air!

It turned oot fir Nigel this wisna his day,
There wis nae easy option fir a quick getaway!
The taxis said Nigel, “Are ye haein a laugh?”
Wi that famous auld welcome, cried
“Come on, get aff!”

So that plan abandoned, the polis decide –
“Anither wee snifter, we’ll ging back inside!”
They slammed the doors shut, as up came the cheers
“Ye’re a bawbag, ye’re a bawbag and ye’re no welcome here!”

By this time the telly and meedja’d arrived
Oh whit wid he dae? How wid Nigel survive?
Auld Reike’s famed polis cam up wi a plan
They’d tak him awa in the back o a van”

Noo afore ye ging thinkin we’re racist up here,
I’d like tae correct ye, ye’re mistaken I fear!
We tak broon white or tartan, even fowk up fae Herne
Cos like Hamish telt us, we’re aa Adam’s bairns!

For in Scotland we’ve aye been a civilised crew;
If ye look oot fir me, then I’ll look oot fir you!
Dinna come tae Auld Reikie, a-spreadin yer muck,
Ye’ll soon find the locals will get ye tae….

Be ye English or Pole or Romanian or Jute
If ye bide here it’s your hame, o that hae nae doot!
So think on auld Nigel and be shair taek tak note
next year when ye ging oot and cast yer Yes vote!

Andrew Redmond Barr
National Collective


There are 7 comments

  1. Korbin Dallas

    Edinburgh tourist land lives of underpaid foreign slave labor and they treat them all like shite coz the Edinburgh snobs know they can fire them and hire another the same day. They don’t want to see an end to the EU it would mean an end to exploitation. That incident with Farage was a vile assault and it shows what some people think of democracy. Rent A Mob students from the University of Edinburgh, a University described as a hotbed of antisemitism. Edinburgh folk once again show themselves to be hypocritical racists. If anything this will get UKIP more votes.

    1. Mccuaig William

      What a load of crap you’re spouting there’s people from all over the world live in Edinburgh and foreign and domestic students no one is exploited that’s total nonsence everyone is subject to employment laws including the peole of edinburgh You have to ask why was Farrage in Edinburgh especially right next to the Scottish parliament why was he there no one can give an ansewer and also a Pub frequented by students the students in edinburgh protest all the time on various issues as it’s a university city and the group also included english students and welldone to them we don’t want farrage and his politics in Scotland it looks like a set up UKIP for some free publicity I take my hat off to the students

      1. Jello Biafra

        Yes your right there are people from all over the world in Edinburgh I
        have worked along side them and seen the deliberate exploitation with my
        own eyes. I have lived in that shit hole for four years working in
        hospitality which is Edinburgh’s main industry if you can call it that.
        That pub is not frequented by students there are no pubs on the Royal
        Mile that are student pubs. And yes students protest in Edinburgh but
        not all the time. A few years ago I remember them surrounding the Hilton
        hotel and shouting at the building because its owned by a Jew or
        Zionist as they like to call them now. Edinburgh University is known as a
        hotbed of antisemitism and I am not simply repeating the opinions of
        Jewish and Israeli students who have studied there where the racism is
        overt. I understand Edinburgh University publicly stated their
        preference for taking Scottish students over English students. Rather
        than take people on merit they practice something called racial
        discrimination. You say there were a few English people in the protest
        according to you this excuses the racism coming from the vast majority
        of Scots present and not forgetting Liam O’Hare are you going to tell me
        he is English also?. People would have to be very dumb to fall for your
        word games. Considering the Labour party have paid very dodgy groups to
        disrupt UKIP events before it wouldn’t be a stretch of the imagination
        to see that some of these people were paid to do this. You didn’t count
        on my knowing Edinburgh because of this I am able to show that you are
        spouting a “load of crap”. There is more crap coming out of you than an
        exploding sewer.

        1. Mccuaig William

          Ha ha ha What utter garbage I live there. Their are a number of pubs on the cannongate that’s frequented by Students I don’t know where you were living but it wasn’t EDINBURGH you see I’m an edinburger born and bred and your post is a lie

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