Vote No for Endless Farce

The most brazen lie from the No camp isn’t Tesco raising their prices, mortgages going up, or even that you won’t get a heart transplant in an independent Scotland (they really said that!). No, it’s none of those. The biggest lie of the No campaign is that voting no is a vote for competence and certainty.

Throughout the referendum campaign, I’ve been developing a healthy hatred for the phrase “You couldn’t make it up”. It’s pish, overused and deeply annoying. It generally means something is so ridiculous or outrageous that even writers of fiction wouldn’t have dreamt it up. I think this does a disservice to our fine tradition of satirists, playwrights and screenwriters. I’m sure they could dream of the ridiculous farce that has been unfolding this week, they’d just dismiss it as utterly unbelievable and write something about David Cameron riding to Scotland on a golden Unicorn instead.

You see the politicians in Westminster are meant to be our top team. We are told they represent the professional class of politician, the experts in policy and legislation drawn from across the whole of the UK – only this week they are beginning to look a bunch of 1st Year politics students, who’ve stumbled into office on the back of a two week pub crawl in freshers week and a determination to wing it until they get found out. Never in my life have I seen such a focussed series of utterly farcical attempts to convey a political message as I have borne witness to this week. It’s been pretty amazing.

Let’s do the greatest hits of utter ineptitude shall we?  Cue the Top of the Pops music…

5. George Osbourne breaks purdah… then doesn’t.

Apparently he was making an announcement about a timetable, not new powers. Even though he said new powers. But it’s ok because he wasn’t speaking for the Government. Although he is Chancellor of the Exchequer. Right? Good.

4. David Cameron pretends to swear – criiiiiiiiinge!

3. William Hague admits that giving the Scottish Parliament new powers is not Government policy


2. John Prescott takes a jaunt up to Scotland and tells us we should merge our national football teams

1. Trying to put up a Saltire above 10 Downing Street, and failing…


Now, I’m not one to bandy about strong terms like clusterfuck willynilly, but this is a clusterfuck. This is the tip of the clusterfuck iceberg.  These people are meant to be leaders?  I’ve not even mentioned that they thought sending 3 of the poshest men in Parliament to Scotland would persuade us to change our minds, or that David Cameron did so without deigning to glory the people with his actual presence and instead spoke to an invited audience of backslappers in a large financial institution. Or the headlines that said Will’s and Kate’s new baby was coming to save the union!

So, vote No for utter farce.  Vote No to continue being ruled by an unrepresentative parliament (only 22% are women) full of the elite political class, 33% of whom went to public school.  If the No camp win on the 18th it’ll be a vote for buffoonery and farce, and satire will truly be dead.

Sorry about the swearing, I’m sure Tucker would approve.

David Officer
National Collective


There are 6 comments

  1. Stan Free

    The campaign who have told us for the past 2 years that Nationalism is a bad thing send us John Prescott to suggest we merge our football teams so that ” ‘Maybe we can beat The Germans’ “.
    The gift that keeps on giving

  2. MediaWeasel

    For Westminster, the be all and end all is Westminster. Government elsewhere on these sceptred isles? Surely a toytown arrangement. They don’t even have a woolsack for God’s sake, or men in tights. Can’t take them seriously. For them, Westminster is an acceptable pomposity, an artificial self-ennobling institution that confers upon those people (for yes, they are just people) a sense of superiority and entitlement to a respect that few feel they have to earn.

    I don’t agree that these MPs are the best available. They are the the ones (with a handful of exceptions, in my opinion) who played the game, said the right things, persuaded their constituents to vote for them after the usual campaigns of smears and shouting. Those who grew up using cutlery polished by the butler to a high shine have no understanding of anything but their own wealth and privilege and damn anyone who threatens their sense of droit de seigneur.

    No wonder it’s a farce dressed up as a clusterfuck. No wonder that the concept of a Scottish government that balances its books and seeks to give its citizens the opportunity to be self-sufficient, free of the tight nanny-reins of Westminster, is such a shock. Surely, only Westminster can set the standard of government that counts, with its ceremony, pomposity, hallowed chambers and archaic traditions that echo the great statesmen of yesteryear? What do you mean, no? What do you mean, that Westminster isn’t good enough, that it doesn’t represent all the people living in these British Isles. What do you mean, that you don’t want us telling you what to do? It’s an outrage! Do as you’re told, and be grateful for our generosity and our tolerance for you rebellious and unruly people in Scotland.

    Apart from the more obvious reasons for their utter panic – we pay more in to the Treasury than they care for the British electorate to know, and Scottish oil revenues are central to their profligate spending and squandering, knowing that vast swathes of Scottish voters have examined Westminster and found it wanting is a personal insult to those whose sense of identity is tied up with the cachet of being in government, in control and perceived to be important.

    They’ve lost touch with the idea of true democracy, because they’ve forgotten what that means. They toe their party lines and don’t represent the constituents who voted them in. They don’t understand that a referendum can be about anything other than party politics, because that’s the only game they know. They don’t yearn for a better, fairer, more just society, because their political party divisions don’t give them the canvas on which to sketch out such a radical change in direction. Not when everything hangs on winning the next general election.

    So when they throw their collective might against the Yes campaign, it ends in an unseemly and chaotic scrum because none of them know what to do, what to say or how to behave when faced with a truly democratic, massive movement that can see a better, fairer and more just way of building a society. They’re left making farcical gestures like waving a union flag-draped royal foetus or urging councils to run the Saltire, the oldest-known flag in the world, up flagpoles the width and breadth of England. Telling us that they love us, that we are better together, that nations will crumble and the skies will fall if we take matters into our own hands and run things our own way.

    They’re not fit for our purpose and we will not take lessons in democracy from such a failed and corrupt institution as Westminster. And that’s final.

  3. Kentus

    I haven’t followed this issue, very closely I must admit, even though I have been aware of some of the major implications both ways.

    I have been doing some character studies of especially one of the main actors in this farce, in the context of the Middle East and Ukraine.

    Here are some samples of the puddle.

    Tough guy:

    Soft guy:

    With “somebody”:

    Three Monkeys:

    For those interested there are many more main characters playing their acts on the world scene

    in this thread: (5 pages, so far).

    General rules: All are free to share and use on a non-commercial basis anywhere.


    Should be a familiar face to a lot of people in Scotland I assume.


  4. The_greyhound

    I’m looking forward to a wholehearted celebration of the Sovereign Will of the People from the National Collective.

    I’m sure there’s no truth in the suspicion that this is yet another SNP front organization, and that we can look forward to an astonishing creative explosion to mark our decision to perpetuate the Union.

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