World of Willie Presents: Willie’s Raw Nerve

After mis-hearing a Radio 4 interview with Germaine Greer, Willie has become convinced that ‘fat is a Nationalist issue’ and has agreed to be filmed as he joins his local dieters’ club, Beef Banishers, to expose them as a front for the Scottish National Party.

Group leader Alexandra Bennett welcomes Willie but is unimpressed by his assertion that he is just here to make a documentary. Despite his protests, she has him down to his stocking soles and on the scales to be weighed. Willie is flustered but tells the crew that this is a typical Nationalist ploy and that it is all ‘grits to his mill.’ The fact that the group leader’s name is Alexandra has also not escaped his attention.

Alex: So Willie, it looks like you’ve got a few pounds to lose.  What’s your target?

Willie: My target is whoever I choose on any particular day, and today it happens to be you.

Alex: I mean your target weight-loss.

Willie: The fact is, a supposedly independent organisation like Beef Banishers should not be doing the SNP’s bidding and campaigning for separation.

Alex: Let’s just say seven pounds, shall we?

Willie: Are you off your cake trolley woman?  I’m not helping to fund the separatist cause.

Alex: Seven pounds in weight.

Willie appears confused but with a martyred sigh he removes his shirt and steps back onto the scales.

Willie: Obviously I value the critical role your organisation plays in brainwashing those of a more lardy persuasion into wanting to be thin. However, you are clearly undermining your impartiality by backing the separatists in what is a highly polarised debate.

Alex: Still seven pounds.

Willie suggests removing his beige slacks – he explains they are double-stitched and this could be the cause of the additional weight. He struggles to remove them and they catch around his feet, causing him to fall off the podium onto a fellow Beef Banisher.  Remarkably, he manages to continue his tirade despite being pummelled by an irate biker.

Willie: I understand the separatist agenda. With a single question on the ballot, they are likely to lose so it’s important that someone propose a second. However, despite the fact we’ve campaigned for home rule for a hundred years I’ll be damned if we’re going to campaign for it now that somebody else wants it. And I don’t see why it should fall to Beef Banishers to do the dirty work.

Willie has wrested himself free and returned to the podium, brushing past other Beef Banishers eager to flatten the scales. Now down to his vest and shorts, his co-attendees are not only becoming impatient, as it is nearing tea-time, but are turning hostile. Alex too is more than a little concerned as there is a half-clad Liberal Democrat spouting gibberish in her meeting room.

Alex: If you don’t mind, Willie, we’ll have to move on now.

Willie: Yes, yes. But frankly I’m shocked to see your organisation being used as a recruiting agent for constitutional change in this manner. Surely a sturdy lass like yourself would understand chub is not a one-party issue. My feeling is that the questions this raises are matters on which you have neither locus nor expertise and that you should consider your position very carefully.

Alex: I will. Thanks.

It’s the following day and Willie is in a buoyant frame of mind. He has received a phone call from Alex at Beef Banishers and his expectations are of a full confession of SNP frontage. However, she simply reminds him to collect his clothing.

Willie: (winking at the camera) I’ve clearly touched a raw nerve there.

For more on Greg Moodie and Rose Garnett, see Tony Boaks’ Despairing Notes and Stories From Dead Central.