Independence Politicians in Christmas Pudding Bake-Off

Tension has increased within the Independence debate after a Christmas pudding campaign row. The Westminster/Yes Scotland Christmas truce broke down after David Cameron called the proposed Independent Scottish pudding a ‘half-baked dish’. The row escalated further when Cameron announced his plans to appear in a ‘Great British Bake Off’ special where he will teach Scots to cook.

In a script for the show, seen by National Collective, Cameron presents five reasons to choose a Westminster pudding this Christmas:

  1. Westminster pudding is bigger and better than foreign pudding.
  2. The United Kingdom has a shared pudding culture.
  3. Separatist puddings will make pudding more expensive.
  4. A Scottish pudding could not survive on its own and will not be allowed into the European Union.
  5. Alex Salmond would eat all the Scottish puddings.

The Yes Campaign have accused Cameron of spreading fear and uncertainty during a special family holiday. BBC Scotland, in the interests of balance, will broadcast a rival cookery program entitled ‘Blair in the Bakery’, where Blair Jenkins will provide arguments in favour of the Scottish dumpling. A transcript of the show includes the following points:

  1. Scottish puddings and dumplings are baked by the people who care about eating them most: that is the people of Scotland who eat puddings and dumplings.
  2. Scottish puddings will be sliced more equally that Westminster puddings, reducing pudding inequality.
  3. Scotland sells 9.6% of total UK puddings and buys 9.3% of UK puddings. This means Scottish puddings have a relative economic pudding surplus.
  4. Control over our own pudding wealth can be invested into Christmas presents for future generations.
  5. Control over baking our own puddings means Scotland decides what puddings we want, what wars our puddings are sent to, and whether our puddings contain nuclear weapons.

In a statement Blair Jenkins said,

Having a half-baked pudding is an opportunity. It means Scots can decide what kind of meal our society wants to eat. We will be in charge of the baking. Some Scots may want more sugar, some less: an independent pudding gives us the power to bake and responsibility for our own kitchen.”

“Scots need no cookery lessons from an out of touch Tory chef. Cameron needs to answer for his own distasteful mixture. Westminster puddings do not go down well in Scotland. Often Scots get pudding they didn’t ask for. The pudding is increasingly eaten by the richest, while the poorest are left with crumbs. I, and many other Scots, also find the plans to bake another generation of nuclear missiles inside Westminster puddings quite unappetising.”

In a Newsnight Scotland interview Professor John Curtis commented:

Pudding polling finds that Scots are overwhelmingly in favour of pudding. When Scots are offered whisky or brandy on their pudding, support for an Independent pudding rises to 108%.”

Michael Gray
National Collective

Follow @ScotVoices, Scotland’s new Twitter account curated by a different Scot each week. A wee window into Scotland. 


About Michael Gray

Michael studies politics at the University of Glasgow. He admires creativity, optimism and education. He desires peace, social justice and good parties.