This morning National Collective was sent a draft sample of the ‘Red White and Blue Paper’, a document prepared by both Better Together and the UK Government. It is a planned response to the Scottish Government’s White Paper, to be released in November this year and which will be penned and drafted, in part, by fiction writers and poets.
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The Red, White and Blue Paper
Better Together and the UK Government
Joint Response to the SNP Fictional Propaganda White Paper of November 2013
Via the medium of Gangsta Rap
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“The Rhyme Minister” D-Cam
Ya, ya, ya, lemme kick it off like this, ya
BOOM! Drop off this nuke
That’s North Korea – what what – Scotland’s now cooked
Tally-ho chaps, North Britain’s a goner
Chin chinity chin, and now I’ve got a boner
No more Labour governments, or so the story goes
My tall tales getting longer than Pinocchio’s nose
Walk away from my bosom and this is what you’re getting
A Scotland so scary your pants will be wetting
If you wore any pants, ha! I know my trivia
Jocks are skirt-wearers; I’m not a divvy, nah
I visit the wilderness a few hours a year
To stand on my subs and confirm all your fears
Without these babies you’ll be ripe for the picking
So while you’re being given a Kim Jong-Un kicking
Us Real Brits will be aiding Sudan and Haiti
But Scotland? Ha! Toodle-pip, my matey!
Before you go, I plea you read this paper with glee
You’ll agree we have the positive case – here’s Mister Ali D!
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“The Master of Disaster” Ali D
Look, look, look
RARRRRGH! RARRRRGH! Like a dungeon dragon
I bring the doom like you just can’t imagine
Fear, uncertainty, doubt, no doubt
I big up the UK coz we’ve got the clout
Invading Iraq is what I’m talking about
Wouldn’t touch an indy Scotland cuz we wouldn’t have nowt
Big Al Salmond is a flag-waving lout
I’d debate him to death if he’d step up to the bout
Make him scream and shout, slap a punk in da mout’
Photobomb his fat face and slap da footage on Tout
I’m a crazy head-case with the positive case –
When you desert the ship we’ll annexe the base
When you take a trip you’ll have a foreign face
And when you ditch the Brits you may as well be outer space
UK okay-dokey, that’s good enough for me
Got more high class property than Snoop D-O-Double G
And it’s not just cuz he’s foreign, although that plays a part
They’re just not the same as us, in the head or in the heart
So give all your cash to Westminster, let them dish it out
Coz the way it goes right now my trough is filled up for ma snout
Why change a good thing? We’re four birds of a feather
Whatever the weather, it’s clear we’re Better Together.
—
Ready Eddie Miliband
What I say to you is this – we simply can’t be two nations
Or I’d have to half my power with Lamonts’ administration
I can save the Union, Brits are an inspiration
No more segregation, no need for separation
Labour’s got a good foundation; I’ve said it from the top
But in Scotland we’ve got to shield our under-educated props
After there’s a No vote Alex Salmond will be canned
And you can all look forward to the dawn of Johann
Puppet on a string, all my words on her script
But ain’t that simply better than a one-man dictatorship?
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Wee Wullie Rennie
I had a turkey at Christmas, it didn’t vote to be eaten
But Scots everywhere will soon be well greeting
If the nats get their way, all our heads will roll
We’ll have no lights, no post, no food, no heating
That’s no scaremongering, that’s just da troof
Ma name’s Wee Wullie Rennie and I ain’t no spoof
I’ve been around the world on the public purse
Using planes, trains, taxis, buses, on the hoof
There’s no time to waste, we’ve got fourteen thousand treaties
But all this distance travelling has made me kinda sleepy
I cannae seem to find the Belgian Congo or Rhodesia
Folk’ll start accusing me of having selective amnesia
We gotta re-negotiate or we’ll end up like Bahrain
Aw jeez, it’s just nae worth it – isn’t paperwork a pain?
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Willy Hague
Err, it’s quite clear to see, to me
That this document by the nationalists just isn’t meant to be
Literary? They don’t know the meaning of the word
A government report as fiction? That would be absurd
Our monthly offerings picked apart this separation
And if you don’t believe me, just ask any other nation:
Afghanistan, Antigua, Barbuda, the Bahamas
Australia, Bahrain, Barbados, Belize and Botswana
Brunei, Canada, Cyprus and Dominica
Fiji, The Gambia, Ghana and Grenada
Guyana, Iraq, Ireland, Israel, India
Jamaica, Jordan, Kenya, Kuwait and Malaysia
Lesotho, Malawi, the Maldives and Malta
Mauritius, Myanmar, Nauru and Saint Lucia
Saint Kitts and Nevis, New Zealand, Nigeria
Pakistan, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, South Africa
The Seychelles, Sudan, Sierra Leone, Sri Lanka
The Solomon Islands, Swaziland and Uganda
Tanzania, Trinidad, Tobago, Tuvalu
UAE, the US, Yemen and Vanuatu
Zambia, Zimbabwe, and what can they declare?
They think it’s ludicrous a nation would want to run its own affairs
Word.
—
“Triple M” Mikey Mundane Moore
So as you can all see, this is our response
Lots of strong evidence wrapped up in nonchalance
For we’ve already won it, your White Paper tells us zip
On dialling codes or postage stamps, it’s nothing but a comic strip
You say we’ll use the pound but I’ll bet a poker chip
Number 10 won’t help the neighbours who have abandoned ship
They’ll make it bloody difficult and this just cannot do
Forget hope – you’ve already got us London Scots to hold it for you!
Booyakasha.
Ray McRobbie
National Collective
